Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Jan

11

Mega-Thrusters Are… Not Remotely Related to Brain Activity

11:21 pm · category: Uncategorized

Oddly enough, I find savasana to be the single most uncomfortable aspect of my yoga practice.  There’s something about lying flat on my back with only a thin mat on carpet-covered concrete that just kills the small of my back.  I finally discovered I can be quiet and still and relatively comfortable during savasana if I spread my legs much, much, much wider than what you’ll see in the picture in the link.

The other day as I was settling into savasana at the end of class, I realized I looked like that guy.  You know?  That guy?  The famous one.  So I said to Amy, a classmate who is in the medical field, “Hey Amy, when I do this, I look like that guy.  What’s he called?”

She was utterly confused.  “Um….. what guy would that be?”

“You know, that guy.  The famous one.  From the line drawing.  It’s like, ‘Denubian Man’ or something.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do!  That guy from the drawing on the front of the medical textbook.”

Then everyone in the class pitched in, assuring me I meant the “the da Vinci” man and not ‘Denubian Man.’

Well, no.  It turns out I meant Vitruvian Man.  Who, yes, was drawn by da Vinci.  But I ask you, which sounds more like “Denubian”: “da Vinci” or “Vitruvian”?  And nobody ever calls it “the da Vinci man,” anyway.  So I didn’t feel like too much of a dork.

Until, that is, I remembered that “Denubian” means “of Denubia.”  And that Denubia is a planet in the Andromeda Galaxy where Voltron takes place.  So then I felt like a giant dork.

Jan

9

A Vast 1992 Conspiracy

10:31 pm · category: Uncategorized

Yep.  That’s me and my parents and Bill and Hill about six months before Bill became leader of the free world.  We were at the Governor’s Mansion for a function honoring the 1992 valedictorians from Arkansas high schools.  There’s only one problem.

I never graduated.  Technically, anyway.

See, I was so busy taking classes that were going to actually help me in the real world (band, choir, journalism, etc.) that I hit the last semester of my senior year one math credit short of the requirements.  I told the school counselor (Who, incidentally, looked EXACTLY LIKE Nancy Reagan.) I was going to take Algebra II via correspondence, so she went ahead and wrote it on my transcript as if it were a done deal.  I ordered the course, had My Cousin Rachel do the actual coursework… and then failed to mail it in.

Fun side note for Laurie‘s benefit: Frank “Herb Tarlek” Bonner from WKRP in Cincinnati was on hand as one of the “local celebrities.”  My daddy spent the entire afternoon talking to him about the Razorbacks.

Jan

8

Bradi’s Best Birthday*

10:24 pm · category: Uncategorized

When mere_ubu invited me over for my birthday and said we were going to stay in our pajamas, eat ham, and watch Buffy, I thought, “Is she kidding?  I don’t usually do that until Friday night!”  And yes, you should all be TERRIBLY jealous that that’s how I spent my day.

Here’s what you need to know about mere:

  • She has a charming home with big rooms and tons of windows with light pouring in from every direction.  The casa is also chock full of amazing art created by mere’s pere.
  • She has a 42-inch flat screen plasma TV.  I’m fairly certain Oz was actual size.
  • She was unaware of Head Tilt Headquarters, which appears to be officially gone.  Luckily, the Wayback Machine had a few pages in its archives.  Enjoy!  (Start with January 2004.)
  • In addition to the ham and cheese omelets, she made coffee chocolate chip muffins.  Super scrummy and better than some cheap-ass grocery store cake any day of the year, but especially on my birthday.
  • She has watched only the first two acts of Dr. Horrible and none of Commentary! The Musical! Frankly, I cannot believe the LJ Spuffy fanfic community** hasn’t shunned her.  Apply pressure!
  • I got to finger Doll!Spike and the rest of the brood.  No — Wait!  I didn’t mean “finger.”  Oh hell, OF COURSE that’s what I meant.

Here’s what you need to know about our viewing pleasure:

  • I was relieved to discover there was no giant blue crystal or hidden stash of injections lying around.  At least, not that I remember.  I was sort of lacking in my usual amazing flexibility during yoga tonight, but that may be because of all the muffins.
  • We watched “Band Candy,” “Pangs,” “Intervention,” “Life Serial,” and “Him.”  Yes, today was all about the laughy with none of the mopey.  Plus, there was very little Angel, and plenty of Spike covered in sexy wounds.
  • We established that if I ever meet JW, the first words out of my mouth will be, predictably, “I wrote my thesis on you.”
  • mere_ubu now understands what I mean when I say, “Buffy has Man Hands.”
  • Remember in “Killed By Death” when Cordelia suggested Buffy get “that thing on her face” taken care of so long as she was in the hospital?  We totally know what “that thing” is now.
  • I cannot tell you how many times I yelled, “Eat a sandwich!” at the TV screen as the seasons progressed and Buffy turned into the Incredibly Shrinking Woman.
  • At one point mere and I agreed on something, and I instructed her to “Slap my hand now!”  To her credit, she did — although I couldn’t quite discern if she did so with bemusement or the same confusion with which Giles responded to Anya’s request of the same.
  • I taught mere how to play Who’s A Little Fear Demon with her cats.
  • During the “It was more like a riot than a Ralph’s” comment in “Pangs,” I sheepishly admitted I was ridiculously excited to drive by a Ralph’s on my recent trip to LA for the big Buffy party.

Thank you again, mere_ubu, for THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

*Cross-posted (mostly) from my comment on mere_ubu’s LJ.
**mere_ubu writes the best Spaiku (That’s Spike-related haiku for those not in the know.), and you should totally go read it.  I mean, chances are I met you at the WD, so you’d really appreciate that stuff.

Jan

7

A Horse is a Horse, Of Course

10:17 pm · category: Uncategorized

But little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.  Here’s my youngest sister’s daughter with a horse.

Jan

6

Kitchen Confidential

3:38 pm · category: Uncategorized

I like to cook.  I’m a good cook.  I’m especially good at modifying recipes, and I enjoy experimenting.  But sometimes I should just stay out of the kitchen, heat or not.

These are the things I’ve discovered in the last two weeks:

  • You cannot make a cheese sauce with soy milk and reduced-fat sharp cheddar.  It tastes like melted ice cream with cheese in it.
  • That thing in your knife set that looks like an oversized ice pick is not an oversized, totally ineffective ice pick.  It’s a knife sharpener.
  • One cup of uncooked orzo makes a shitload of cooked orzo.
  • You can make homemade duck sauce by spending hours chopping fruit and putting it through the food processor and adding tons of stuff to it and boiling it.  Or you can heat one jar of each of plum and apricot jams together, throw in some soy sauce and garlic powder, and end up with a much tastier homemade duck sauce.
  • You can eat the cocktail sauce that’s been in your refrigerator for a year and the shrimp that’s been in your freezer for six months, but you probably shouldn’t.
Jan

2

Bread and Circuses

5:47 pm · category: Uncategorized

Here’s a picture of my dog, Lou (Who has many, many names.):

Louise is a boxer.  I love her very much.  Sometimes she does stupid stuff, but I forgive her because she’s my sweet Skip to my Lou; my darling!

But lately I’ve been worrying about her activity level, because boxers are an active, playful breed — and Lulu just doesn’t know how to play or enjoy herself; she’s mostly just a lump.  This is why I decided it would be good to pair her with a boxer-mix rescue dog named Tolkien, who lasted all of one week until he tore up all the carpet and padding in the hallway after he jumped the gate keeping him and Lucy Liu out of the litter box.  Since then I’ve been thinking about adopting the fawn boxer stray (Lou is brindle) who showed up at my youngest sister’s house so my girl could have some companionship, but I’ve been about half past hesitant because Louisa von Trapp has been exhibiting some attention issues lately.  And if you’ll remember, I sort of fell into ownership of Lucretia Borgia, as she came with the house.

Still, I don’t know a whole hell of a lot about various dog breeds, even though I work with dozens of dogs every week.  So on Tuesday night I spent a couple of hours online learning all about boxers.  Some of it was boring, some of it was interesting, and some of it was awesome.  For instance, according to this website, “They [boxers] were also popular circus and theater dogs because they learned tricks so easily.”

OMFG.  This is exactly what I always wanted.  I think one of the reasons I haven’t reproduced is because infants bore the shit out of me and I’m afraid I wouldn’t pay any attention to the offspring until it could do tricks.  My youngest sister can attest to this fact, as I ignored all three of her children until they could identify their noses or successfully complete a high five or something equally impressive.  (Even though they were ridiculously cute.)

So when I found out that Luby Lou could be a freakin’ circus dog, I got all kinds of excited.  I was envisioning her pirouetting in a tutu and jumping through flaming hoops.  I knew right then that 2009 was going to be fucking fantastic.

*****

I spent the bulk of the first day of 2009 baking bread.  We’re having a family get-together on January 03 where we’ll eat lots of soups, so I baked bread to go along with the soups.  Lots of bread: Italian, French Sourdough, Hawaiian.  It took me almost eleven hours, all told.

And in between all the mixing and kneading and rising and baking, I cleaned my house.  And I mean I seriously cleaned my house.  I mopped my hardwood floors with Murphy’s Oil Soap four times.  (There’s been a lot of flour on that floor in the last 24 hours).  I polished the 12-paned window on the door to the deck, as well as the oval window on the front door — BOTH INSIDE AND OUT.  Hell, I even mopped the laundry room.  (Maybe other people do that on a regular basis, but I’ve done it maybe three times in the year and a half since I moved here.  I mean, who even looks in there?)

So by the time I went to bed at 3:30 a.m., I had ten loaves of delicious, homebaked bread and a spotless home.  It was a very productive day.

*****

Today I had only a couple of items on my To Do list: clean out my car, wash my regular laundry (But not my bedding, tablecloth, or area rugs: that happens on Sunday.  I have a list!), and get gas.  I ran by Aunt Doodie’s to pick up some cabbage/potatoe/sausage boil (I had peas yesterday!), and then I came home to get started on my To Do list.

The first thing I saw in the kitchen was a mound of moist white and gray covered in slobber.  Clearly, Louisa May Alcott had experienced a digestive issue while I was gone.  But the contents were curious, because she’s on a very strict diet and doesn’t get table scraps.  (She has flatulence problems, which are typical of the breed, and a stable diet helps keep the farts far away.)

The second thing I saw was that Lula Bell was walking low to the ground, as if she had been chastised and was feeling guilty.  This should always be a tip-off.

The next thing I noticed was six loaves of bread strewn across my bedroom floor, along with the aluminum foil in which they had been wrapped.

And then there was the kicker: A seventh loaf of half-eaten Hawaiian bread haphazardly buried beneath the pillows on my bed.

*****

So I had to mop the kitchen floor again because of the bread barf.  I had to vacuum my bedroom again.  And I had to wash my bed linens two days early — which is going to throw me off schedule all year long.

*****

Lou had her bread — and then booted it.  I did not get my circus tricks.  And Louise will be kenneled from here on out when I’m not home.

So take that, Romans.  Now there will be no bread, no circuses, and no freedom.

Dec

29

End-of-the-Year Quiz

9:26 pm · category: Uncategorized

Swiped from Violet.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I had sushi for the first time.  I know this is not big news for most people, but I discovered that I really liked it!  Actually, I discovered that I prefer California rolls — or, better yet,  cucumber rolls (my favorite).  This, as I understand it, is blasphemy to true sushi lovers. I actually had a person refuse to eat at a sushi restaurant with me because I wouldn’t order “real sushi.”  Sorry!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any resolutions, per se.  I did set some goals — namely, to ride a motorcycle in 2008.  I set the same goal in 2006 and 2007.  Some day it’s going to happen.  (I don’t even want to drive a motorcycle; I just want to be a passenger. [But not in one of those little sidecars.])  So I’ll put that on the list for 2009 as well.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope, although my cousin Bailey still has a couple of days left in the year to birth that little tax write-off.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.  No births and no deaths.  Doing my part to keep the world balanced!

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn’t leave the U.S.  Hell, I haven’t left the U.S. in 17 years.  I think I left Arkansas only once in 2008.  That’s pretty pathetic.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A humidifier.  A work-from-home FULL TIME job.  A pool boy.  (Or girl.  I’m not picky.  I’m just tired of messing with the damn thing.)  Dental insurance.  New carpet.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can’t think of a single date that I will remember.  Well, maybe a couple.  I remember I got fired on March 31.  And I remember Dr. Horrible debuted on July 15.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Further demonstrating my complete dorkitude, here’s the thing I’m most proud of:  I’m ranked first and second on Facebook’s Addicted to Angel and Addicted to Buffy Trivia Games, respectively.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I suppose it’s that I wasn’t able to reconcile with Rocco.  I regret not being able to come to some sort of agreement that would have at least left us on speaking terms.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.  Healthy as a freakin’ horse.  I have,  however, had a wicked ear thing going on since October, and it’s just not getting any better.  My daddy gave me a round of antibiotics, but I’m waiting until I’m REALLY sick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane ticket to L.A., hands down.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I am very much relieved that Britney seems only a little bit crazy these days. I was also rather pleased with McCain and Obama, neither of whom came across as complete dicks at any point in the campaign.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Registered Democrats who moved their allegiance to the GOP because they were (a) pissed Hillary didn’t secure the nomination, or (b) thought Sarah Palin was pretty, and that pretty=qualified, or (c) both a and b.

14. Where did most of your money go?
If I’m not counting the obvious (rent), then it would be my online course, which was about $2000.  I should be finished by the end of January!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I got to attend the Slayage Conference, which was right here in Arkansas!  Dr. Horrible was pretty awesome, as was the DVD with the musical commentary.  Chuck was renewed for a second season.  I learned how to make bulgogi.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Hmm.  That’s a tough one, because I don’t really listen to music because of my NPR addiction.  I hate to keep going back to it, but it would have to be something from Dr. Horrible — probably A Man’s Gotta Do.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? – Happier.  I didn’t know my work in the hotel business had eaten my soul until I realized I was happier going to work every day squeezing anal glands than I was doing room checks.
b) thinner or fatter? – The same.  I’ve been all over the map this year, but I’m pretty much where I was 12 months ago.
c) richer or poorer? – Poorer.  Much, much poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I’d spent more time on my online class in the last two months, because I had intended to kick off the new year with the new job.  But then I got sidetracked by things like the wonder that is DVR and the magic that is Hulu.  I wish I’d done more cardio.  I wish I’d swam more often.  I wish I’d blogged more.  I wish I’d written more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d eaten less.  I wish I’d eaten out less, especially.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Hanging out at Kim and Nathan’s, eating soup and waiting for Kim to finish birthing a baby so she could come home and we could open up the pressies!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Nope.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Chuck. Or maybe Mad Men.  They’re totally different, so it’s hard to say for certain.  Chelsea Lately ranks pretty high up there, too.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I think I’m done with hate.  I’m still bitter and angry, but the hatred is gone.

24. What was the best book you read?
I’m fairly certain I read only one book, which was Running With Scissors.  It was good!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Dr. Horrible.

26. What did you want and get?
Patio furniture.  Trip to a WD party.  A fish.  Presidential election in which my vote matched the winner.

27. What did you want and not get?
A humidifier.  A freelance career that lets me pay ALL my bills.  Another boxer so Louise will have a friend.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I haven’t been to the theater in probably two years, and my attention span is such that I can pretty much stomach only programming that’s 47 minutes or less.  I think the only movie I saw that was released in 2008 was Hamlet 2.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34.  I worked that day, and I think Rocco and I ordered out and had cocktails.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Sex?  Weed?  Those are things I haven’t had in a while.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I continued my 34-year-long tradition of having no personal fashion concept.

32. What kept you sane?
Yoga.  Reading blogs about people more pitiful than me.  Baking lots and lots and lots of bread.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
My ongoing crush on Nathan Fillion did not abate, but I discovered Zach Galifianakis.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
This whole Palestine/Israel thing is scaring the shit out of me right now.

35. Who did you miss?
I don’t think I missed anyone this year.  Sometimes I missed my old cat Rupert, because he and one of my new cats, Nigel, would be really good friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
That would probably be Rian/Tinkcat.  I didn’t know her from Adam when she showed up at Cassy’s, but I’m so glad I met her!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
If you do your boss’s job because she is incompetent and has no management skills, she will hire her daughter and then fire you FOR DOING HER JOB.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Not so much a song, but it is from a musical!  (Predictably, yes.  I KNOW!)  “The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.”

Dec

6

You’ll Get Mail

10:00 am · category: Uncategorized

If you read here, I’d like your mailing address.  Here’s what you need to know up front:

  • I won’t be sending you a Christmas card.  I’m far too lazy for that.
  • I won’t be sending you random bullshit.  I’m far too astute for that.
  • I won’t be sending you presents.  I’m far too poor for that.
  • I won’t be selling your address to a direct mail company.  That’s just silly.

I would, however, like to have everyone’s address in my address book.  I mean, I might find six bags of good yarn stuffed in a closet and remember that I never learned — and likely never will learn — how to knit, thereby rendering it useless to me but a nice surprise for you.  Or maybe I’ll find a rare item that you collect at one of the bazillion yard sales in Arkansas and pick it up for a quarter.  Or maybe I just really, really, really like to send birthday cards.  (You should probably include your birthdate, too.)

Please email me at dropedgeofyonder [at] gmail.com.  (I’m especially interested in finding out who you are, person-I-don’t-know-who-reads-but-never-comments-in-West Virginia.)

Nov

21

Pisser

As some of you know, I have a swimming pool.

I have a pool because it came with the house.  Of course, this house also came with spectacularly cheap rent, a garage full of stuff the real owners (have forgotten they) are stowing, and the owner’s dog.  (She’s my dog now, though.  Mine!)

I don’t bitch much about the pool.  I can’t really justify complaining about it because (1) It’s a private pool in my backyard; (2) I live in Arkansas, where the humidity hovers around 1 million percent in the dead of summer; and (3) It’s a private pool in a relatively secluded area.  Besides, a significant reserve of real water is pretty much always welcome and desired in these parts, so long as it’s not infested with mosquitoes or water moccasins.  (My pool has neither.  Once I had a tadpole problem, but that’s because I left the creepy crawler in for, like, four days when I went out of town, and when I came back I had tadpoles.)

Regardless, I have a love-hate relationship with the pool.  It really is rather expensive to maintain a pool — even the above-ground variety — in a single-income (and often unemployed) household.  Yet despite the constant, time consuming, required upkeep of a healthy pool — water, chemicals, skimming, etc. — there is almost nothing I adore more than swimming naked in the moonlight.  (Or, more specifically, floating nude on my back while gazing at the stars.  But it is still a spectacular and singular experience,)

Still, having a pool — even an above-ground pool with a built-around-deck — is a shitload of work.  And I kind of hate that work.  (And yes, well, I hate most any kind of work that translates to physical labor.  Such is not a significant revelation.)  Yet maintaining the pool is mostly tolerable in the “open season,” though.  I mean, I’m not an “outside” person.  Sunlight mostly sucks except when it’s filtering lightly through my blinds and casting a much-needed healthy glow on Buffy’s visage on my TV during my repeated viewings of season six.

Nevertheless, I maintained the pool and stayed current with all that costly and time-consuming extraneous pool maintenance shit for — well, a lot longer than I probably should have — in 2008.  Part of that was because there is nothing more exquisite and pleasurable for me than lolling around naked in moonlit water.  As such, I took advantage of the fact that this Arkansas fall has been unseasonably warm and that the pool was still usable until late September.

But I’ll also admit to not giving two shits about some pool-related things about which others are far more militant.  In point of fact, I pee in the pool and encourage other people to pee in the pool.

It’s not totally gross, though.  Fact the first: urine is sterile.  Fact the second: there are tons of chemicals in that pool killing all kinds of microorganisms all the time.  Fact the third:  I would rather not have small-bladdered four-year-olds running across my hardwood floors 7.6 times an hour to go inside to pee, dripping water all over the place.  Fact the fourth:  I would rather not have drunk 40-year-olds lumbering across my hardwood floors 7.6 times an hour to go inside to pee, dripping water all over the place.  Fact the fifth: alcohol kills lots of stuff, and I’m fairly certain the beer-to-pee ratio in my pool was in my favor most of the summer.

Nov

17

Ass Clowns

9:01 pm · category: Uncategorized

Here’s what I can tell you about Friday’s clown party without needing pictures to illustrate*:

  • There was so much good food.  Pickled asparagus was a revelation to my taste buds.
  • I tied for third place in the costume contest, despite the fact that I dyed my hair.  My aunt Shelley won.  Since she survived cancer earlier this year, I conceded defeat (almost) graciously.  (Second place went to a one-year-old boy.  No way I was beating that.)
  • No leg wrestling this year (Bummer!), but there were plenty of rounds of arm wrestling.  I won one of them!  Unfortunately, Aunt Doodie kicked my biceps when I wrestled her.  She is deceptively strong for an old lady.
  • I might have sung Bad, Bad Leroy Brown one too many times during karaoke.
  • We played Pin the Tail on the Donkey.  Nobody got my multiple references to donkey shows and Tijuana.  This either means that my family is very sheltered or that I am too worldly.

*Pictures will come later, though.  I have to stretch this post out for NaBloPoMo posts.