Archive for the ‘Mystery!’ Category

Apr

28

Preemptive Strike

3:05 am · category: Mystery!

I’m pretty sure I’ll throw my hat in the ring for the presidency of the local Ladies Home Extension Club in 2038, so I figured I should share my birth certificate now. (Click to embiggen.)

ETA: Also, why did they put silver nitrate in my EYES? Google says it was to keep me from getting GONORRHOEA from my mother, but I’m going to pretend it was so I could have a cool, steely gaze when I got older.

Dec

14

It’s Not All Black and White, Even When It Is

1:13 pm · category: Mystery!

Usually I dream in color.  Sometimes I dream in black and white.  Last night I dreamed in cartoon.  Cartoon!  And it was a black and white cartoon.  I dreamed Spy vs Spy.  What is up with that?

Aug

7

Mystery of the Deep! (And Dark. And Dank.)

9:47 pm · category: Embracing My Inner Geek, Mystery!

Last week my cousin Mayme, thirteen, was supervising some younger children as they played in the empty field across from her house. And it was a good thing she was there, because she found a nice-sized hole that no one had ever noticed before. It was approximately 2.5 feet in diameter and seemed rather deep.

Mayme did the smart thing and alerted the adults. When Mayme and the adults investigated further, they discovered that the inside of the hole was bricked all the way around. They assumed it was an old well, so they contacted the city to have the hole filled in to prevent a Baby Jessica episode.

The mayor, the city planner, and water department representatives all inspected the hole over the next couple of days. It seems that there are no indications or records of a well — or any other structure — on said property at any point in the city’s history. The city representatives snaked a camera down into the hole but could not find where it ends. In fact, they kept throwing around the word “tunnels” with perplexed looks that clearly said, “We don’t know what the hell is going on down there.”

This is not a big town, as it has a population of a little less than 25,000. Incorporated in 1891, it’s not a very old town, either. So what the hell is this thing?

Theories:

  • Underground Railroad Cabot was, at one point in time, the white flight capital of America. This is a town that still holds a Robert E. Lee parade on Martin Luther King Day each year. It’s also the site of a Confederate cemetery where 1500 soldiers who succumbed to typhoid fever are interred.
  • Hellmouth This could totally be the site of a mystical convergence, because unpleasant things do gravitate here. (See Robert E. Lee parade, above.) Plus, it’s been, like, 105 degrees here forever.
  • C.H.U.D. Tunnels It’s true that there aren’t a lot of stray pets around here. I thought that was because Animal Control did a good job, but now I’m beginning to wonder. (Of course, it could be a Sluggoth demon, which puts us back at Hellmouth.)

But it’s probably just a well.

Jul

31

Who-Who? Who-Who?

There are people whom I know in an Internet Only way who must think I suffer from some sort of multiple personality disorder because of all the email addresses they have for me. A quick count shows that I have eight active email addresses. Eight.

There’s the standard personal account, the business account, the WD/MN identity account, the old blog account, the new blog account, the old hotel account, and two ancient Hotmail accounts. Except for the last two, I send and receive items from each of these accounts every single day.

This is part of my whole obsession with organizing; even the junk drawer in my kitchen has everything separated into different sections and held in little Ziplocs. I like to compartmentalize, I guess, because it’s efficient. And I especially like thinking, “I know so-and-so from XYZ, so he’ll be in the 123 account.”

But some of you people are starting to cross lines, and now you have, like, four email addresses for me. Is it making you as crazy as it’s making yours truly?

This whole compartmentalizing thing is about to blow up in my face, though, because in a few months a whole slew of you will get added to the Real Life List.

And then the Internets will explode.

I’m so excited about my upcoming trip out West where I’ll meet a gaggle of Internet Only people that I honestly can’t even think about it. Because if I think about it, I’ll start fantasizing about it. And if I start fantasizing about it, pretty soon there will be this whole thing where we’re all trapped on a deserted island together. (I have already gone through this with Aunt Doodie,* Spike,** Zach Galifianakis and Nathan Fillion. And Neil Patrick Harris better stop being such a kick-ass, adorable, singing machine unless he wants to play Robinson Crusoe to my Friday.***) If a whole bunch of you show up on my own personal Fantasy Island at the same time, it’s going to turn into Bizarro Lost. Then I’ll have to figure out which of you are Kate and Jack. And then I’ll hate the two of you, whoever the two of you may be. Which would suck, because I like you right now.

And what will happen if I’m not the same person there that I am here in cyberspace? I think I’m the same person. Well, except for the contractions; I use far fewer contractions online than I do in real life. (I think this is a WD influence, because in Arkansas we have more contractions than the rest of the country combined. And I know them all.)

But the question remains: will I be more or less in person? And while I mean “less” in the “nice and interesting” way rather than the “human worth” way, it’s still something I think about. What if my vocabulary isn’t big enough? What if I can’t understand the British or the Northeners**** because they talk too fast? What if I’m boring as all get out? What if we don’t actually watch Buffy at some point and I panic in the face of withdrawal? What if I fart in front of everybody? What if my hair frizzes out super bad and they all taunt me into singing selections from Annie?

What if all or part of that comes to pass and I can’t get by on my tits and charming accent?

God. This is just like seminary all over again.

*Not that way.
**Spike. Not James Marsters. Because he is a doofus.
***Please note that I am not the protagonist in my own fantasy. I am lazy everywhere.
****I still can’t watch The Fully Monty or Fargo without subtitles.

Jul

24

Roaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I’ve spent the last four hours trying to figure out how to get photos from Flickr into a WordPress post, and I cannot do it. No amount of searching WordPress or Flickr or even the almighty Google has resulted in anything approaching success. Ultimately, there was nothing I could do except… cry.

Three weeks ago the incompetence of three separate fast food chains infuriated me so badly that I called their respective corporate headquarters to complain. I called KFC to complain because they put lettuce on my Snacker after I expressly said no lettuce. Which is ridiculous.

For awhile now I’ve been threatening to punch pooches in the kidney if they don’t behave while I’m bathing them. But lately, I’ve only been mostly kidding.

Last week I was absolutely incensed when Kroger Fuel gave me only three cents off per gallon when I qualified for ten cents off. I may or may not have shared some very disparaging remarks regarding the character of the teenage boy manning the little cashier barn behind the bulletproof glass. I caused a scene. Me!

And now I’m crying because I can’t figure out how to put pictures in posts.

Before my family starts asking me if I’m okay a million times a day and showing up at my house unannounced and trying to take me out to dinner all the time, let me stress that I. AM. NOT. DEPRESSED.

I am… angry. This is new for me. Anger is something you swallow until you choke on it, and then you regurgitate it whole when you have your big biannual blow up. But you sure as hell don’t keep encountering it day in and day out, an anger acid reflux that roils and bubbles and burns and churns.

And I’m pretty sure I’m bored. Really, really bored. The whole unemployment thing is catching up with me now, and I’m not nearly so mentally active as I need to be. I’m not used to it being all quiet in my brain. Does anybody need anything proofread or researched? Like, for free?

I feel all naked now. Probably a good thing I couldn’t figure out that Flickr/WordPress issue, because I was going to post another kind of naked.