Bradi Lately

The following excerpt from Chelsea Handler’s opening monologue on a recent episode of her awesome show left me speechless (Although that might have been because my mouth was stuffed with the cannoli I was inhaling at the time.) and wondering if she and I were a set of creepy separated-at-birth twins*, a la Danny and Arnold in that shitty movie we all want to forget:

Chelsea: “Anyone who knows me knows I love a big breakfast buffet.  And, luckily for me, Chuy’s** full-grown cousin Paco owns an establishment called ‘Big Breakfast Buffets and Cigarettes.’  We went this past Saturday, and we went off.”

And that, dear readers, is pretty much my life.  Or my ideal life.  You know:  the one where I subsist on breakfast buffets and cigarettes instead of whole grains, raw vegetables, lean meats, yoga, cardio, and cigarettes — and still look stunning.  But then Ms. Handler turned out this gem:

Chelsea: “The only way to burn off eighteen jalapeno-Jack-cheese-stuffed cilantro waffles is to get back in bed and settle in to watch Oxygen’s Tori and Dean 44-hour marathon.  In the eleventh hour, I had a big revelation.  It was my big ‘a-ha!’ moment when I realized I, Chelsea Lately  [or, uh, Bradi Last Season], kind of like Tori Spelling.”

And I do like Tori Spelling.  Of course, I have the luxury (Or is that mercy?) of having seen maybe 10 episodes of the original 90210 rather than all 292.  (Jesus. 292?  And Firefly aired only eleven episodes?  The mind fucking boggles.)  So I don’t really know much about BH, 90210, except that I would be Andrea Zuckerman on every single “Which Character Are You?!?!?!? LOL!!!!!!!” quiz ever created.  I don’t know why I didn’t watch; I probably had high school jazz band practice on that night or something.

I do remember Ms. Spelling from Saved By the Bell, where she played a nerdy chick with a beautiful voice who stole Screech’s heart with her siren song in glee club.  (I totally kicked ass at the SBtB board game.  In college.  Kiss my ass, mother fuckers!  Everybody has to be good at something!)  And I decided then and there that Ms. Spelling was kind of awesome.

*FYI: If Chelsea and I were a set of creepy separated-at-birth identical twins, we would be 5’4″, 120 pounds, married and quickly divorced with a couple of kids, and (still) drinking shitloads of hard liquor.  So we’d pretty much be Britney.  And the last thing this world needs is three of those, so thank goodness we’re not.

**Handler’s dwarf sidekick; that is, her Ed McMahon.  Although the term “sidekick” seems really inappropriate here, but I can’t come up with anything better.

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