Archive for July, 2008

Jul

31

Man’s Best Friend

11:59 pm · category: Aunt Doodie, Dog Days, The Whole Fam Damnly

I sometimes bathe dogs for Aunt Doodie at the grooming shop, despite the fact that I’m pretty much terrified of canines.  Sure, I’m slowly warming up to the species, but I’m still wary of them as a whole.

I have noticed that, much in the same way that married couples start to look like each other as they age, some owners and their dogs begin to present a more than passing resemblance.  I’ve also found a cocker spaniel that looks like my cousin Navy and a Pomeranian that could have been my mirror image.

Even more strangely, some breeds look like certain celebrities.  For instance, I have this theory that all pekingese look like Nicole Richie.  And springer spaniels who haven’t had their heads shaved look exactly like Jerry Stiller.

I call these dogglegangers.

Jul

31

Who-Who? Who-Who?

There are people whom I know in an Internet Only way who must think I suffer from some sort of multiple personality disorder because of all the email addresses they have for me. A quick count shows that I have eight active email addresses. Eight.

There’s the standard personal account, the business account, the WD/MN identity account, the old blog account, the new blog account, the old hotel account, and two ancient Hotmail accounts. Except for the last two, I send and receive items from each of these accounts every single day.

This is part of my whole obsession with organizing; even the junk drawer in my kitchen has everything separated into different sections and held in little Ziplocs. I like to compartmentalize, I guess, because it’s efficient. And I especially like thinking, “I know so-and-so from XYZ, so he’ll be in the 123 account.”

But some of you people are starting to cross lines, and now you have, like, four email addresses for me. Is it making you as crazy as it’s making yours truly?

This whole compartmentalizing thing is about to blow up in my face, though, because in a few months a whole slew of you will get added to the Real Life List.

And then the Internets will explode.

I’m so excited about my upcoming trip out West where I’ll meet a gaggle of Internet Only people that I honestly can’t even think about it. Because if I think about it, I’ll start fantasizing about it. And if I start fantasizing about it, pretty soon there will be this whole thing where we’re all trapped on a deserted island together. (I have already gone through this with Aunt Doodie,* Spike,** Zach Galifianakis and Nathan Fillion. And Neil Patrick Harris better stop being such a kick-ass, adorable, singing machine unless he wants to play Robinson Crusoe to my Friday.***) If a whole bunch of you show up on my own personal Fantasy Island at the same time, it’s going to turn into Bizarro Lost. Then I’ll have to figure out which of you are Kate and Jack. And then I’ll hate the two of you, whoever the two of you may be. Which would suck, because I like you right now.

And what will happen if I’m not the same person there that I am here in cyberspace? I think I’m the same person. Well, except for the contractions; I use far fewer contractions online than I do in real life. (I think this is a WD influence, because in Arkansas we have more contractions than the rest of the country combined. And I know them all.)

But the question remains: will I be more or less in person? And while I mean “less” in the “nice and interesting” way rather than the “human worth” way, it’s still something I think about. What if my vocabulary isn’t big enough? What if I can’t understand the British or the Northeners**** because they talk too fast? What if I’m boring as all get out? What if we don’t actually watch Buffy at some point and I panic in the face of withdrawal? What if I fart in front of everybody? What if my hair frizzes out super bad and they all taunt me into singing selections from Annie?

What if all or part of that comes to pass and I can’t get by on my tits and charming accent?

God. This is just like seminary all over again.

*Not that way.
**Spike. Not James Marsters. Because he is a doofus.
***Please note that I am not the protagonist in my own fantasy. I am lazy everywhere.
****I still can’t watch The Fully Monty or Fargo without subtitles.

Jul

24

Roaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I’ve spent the last four hours trying to figure out how to get photos from Flickr into a WordPress post, and I cannot do it. No amount of searching WordPress or Flickr or even the almighty Google has resulted in anything approaching success. Ultimately, there was nothing I could do except… cry.

Three weeks ago the incompetence of three separate fast food chains infuriated me so badly that I called their respective corporate headquarters to complain. I called KFC to complain because they put lettuce on my Snacker after I expressly said no lettuce. Which is ridiculous.

For awhile now I’ve been threatening to punch pooches in the kidney if they don’t behave while I’m bathing them. But lately, I’ve only been mostly kidding.

Last week I was absolutely incensed when Kroger Fuel gave me only three cents off per gallon when I qualified for ten cents off. I may or may not have shared some very disparaging remarks regarding the character of the teenage boy manning the little cashier barn behind the bulletproof glass. I caused a scene. Me!

And now I’m crying because I can’t figure out how to put pictures in posts.

Before my family starts asking me if I’m okay a million times a day and showing up at my house unannounced and trying to take me out to dinner all the time, let me stress that I. AM. NOT. DEPRESSED.

I am… angry. This is new for me. Anger is something you swallow until you choke on it, and then you regurgitate it whole when you have your big biannual blow up. But you sure as hell don’t keep encountering it day in and day out, an anger acid reflux that roils and bubbles and burns and churns.

And I’m pretty sure I’m bored. Really, really bored. The whole unemployment thing is catching up with me now, and I’m not nearly so mentally active as I need to be. I’m not used to it being all quiet in my brain. Does anybody need anything proofread or researched? Like, for free?

I feel all naked now. Probably a good thing I couldn’t figure out that Flickr/WordPress issue, because I was going to post another kind of naked.

Jul

23

Word to the Walston

Here I sit, playing around on the Internet, eating Pizza Rolls, and watching Star Trek: Voyager.  TV guide tells me the episode’s special guest star is Ray Wise.  When he finally shows up on screen, I am amazed.  They did some awesome stuff in the make-up department, because he looks decades younger than when he was on TNG.
And then I realized I was thinking of Ray Walston.

I have the same problem with Little Richard and Rich Little.

Jul

23

A Conundrum

I love cats, but Wilford Brimley pisses me off.  As such, I can’t quite decide what to make of this.

Jul

22

In the Beginning

12:40 am · category: Uncategorized

Turns out Dr. Horrible was always bad.

Jul

20

While I Was Out

This is what I did during my blogging hiatus, in no particular order:

  • Kicked Rocco out
  • Got fired
  • Decided to write, organize and produce my own version of Food Court Musical
  • Learned how to make homemade candy bars
  • Signed up for unemployment
  • Worked my way up to the number one and number five spots, respectively, on Facebook’s “Addicted to Angel” and “Addicted to Buffy” trivia applications
  • Gave up my dream of being in the roller derby
  • Realized unemployment will not keep me from being homeless…
  • …Began bathing dogs for Aunt Doodie in exchange for her paying my rent
  • Started taking a yoga class
  • Got cable TV with a DVR
  • Spent a lot of time with Aunt Doodie musing about how we would survive on a deserted island
  • Started working on building a freelance career, which will theoretically enable me to stay home so I can play “Addicted to Angel/Buffy” Facebook applications and watch the DVR all day long
  • Successfully completed a ten-day cleansing fast
  • Entertained at my home twice in one week — a record!
  • Found out my Aunt Shelley has cancer
  • Realized I am not equipped to write, organize and produce my own version of Food Court Musical, so enlisted the help of my friends
  • Became obsessed with sushi and ate it almost every day for two weeks
  • Lost nine pounds
  • Spent a lot of time daydreaming about how Nathan Fillion and I would live on a deserted island, using Aunt Doodie’s survival ideas and my “tons of free time” ideas
  • Attended the Slayage Conference, where Rhonda Wilcox saw my name tag, remembered me, and asked why I never formally submitted my paper
  • Made my home almost totally chemical free
  • Became disgusted by sushi and vowed to never eat it again
  • Found out my cousin Bailey is having another baby
  • Learned how to fry an egg perfectly
  • Bought a plane ticket to LA for the WD party in October
  • Twisted Cindy’s arm until she agreed to visit me this summer
  • Ate more sushi
  • Found, loved and lost my precious Dr. Horrible
  • Lost a toenail
Jul

20

We Have a Winner!

10:36 pm · category: Contest

Congratulations to Laurie from The Nonny Mouse, who won the Amazon.com gift certificate from the contest in the inaugural* post! I used a random number generator as promised, so as not to be accused of trying to distract her and steal Nathan Fillion right out from under her while she was busy choosing something on which to spend the certificate. However, if NF had actually been under her at the time, I’d have done the honorable thing.

There will be more contests, so please be sure to check back! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch Dr. Horrible several more times before it disappears at midnight.

*At the new site, that is.

Jul

16

Dammit, Google

Would you please stop moving things around in Gmail? It’s driving me nuts. One day I can’t find the Reader link in the usual drop-down menu, and the next day you’ve moved the Blogger link to an entirely different page.

I know that technology changes rapidly; I learned about that from The Sarah Connor Chronicles earlier this year and from WarGames way back in the ’80s. But I just got a DVR and a new website, and that’s plenty enough new techy stuff to keep me busy for months. So please stop moving things around!

Jul

16

The Lost Girls Find Happiness

People often think that because I love Buffy so much, I must have a “vampire thing.” This is completely not true; I don’t like scary/horror/gorey movies at all. In fact, the only vampire movie I’ve ever seen at the theater was The Lost Boys, and that’s just because I was 13 and the Two Coreys were in it.

In junior high my friend Kim was very much in to said movie. She wrote the first fanfic I ever read, way back when we were in eighth grade. (All that writing paid off, as she’s now a published author.) And she must have had a knack for sleuthing, because she somehow tracked down Jamison Newlander‘s home phone number way back before the Internet let you find out far more than you ever should about celebrities.

That’s why Kim gathered up five or six other girls (including yours truly) one day after marching band practice for The Phone Call. We had all pitched in our silver change to “fund” The Phone Call. There we stood, huddled around the pay phone outside the Home-Ec building, all giggly and excited. There was the kathunk-a-thunk of the change going in, then the dialing, then the ringing… and then the answer. “Hello?” someone asked on the other end.

Honestly, I don’t remember much after that. I know Kim spoke to one of Newlander’s parents, although I believe the actor himself wasn’t home at the time; however, I think Kim called back at a later time and spoke to him.

This is the part where I’m supposed to say something like, “What I wouldn’t give to be 14 again.” But that sentiment is ridiculous, because I would give my left pinkie toe to forget 80% of my teen years.