Archive for November, 2007



Can I Make You a Man

11:36 pm · category: Rocco's Modern Life... With Me

A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds
Will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground.

And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause…
Will make him glisten… and gleam
And with massage, and just a little bit of steam
He’ll be pink and quite clean
He’ll be a strong man. Oh honey…
But the wrong man.

He’ll eat nutritious high protein and swallow raw eggs.
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and legs.
Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days, I can make you a man.

He’ll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk.
He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.
Such strenuous living I just don’t understand
When in just seven days, oh baby, I can make you a man.

Rocco is a stick figure, with negative 2.5% body fat. And yet he has a sweet tooth. An irrepressible, insatiable desire for sugar. I might have dessert once a week; Rocco must have it at least once a day. Chocolate is his drug of choice. I’ve tried buying Healthy Choice Ice Cream Fudge Bars and making sugar-free Jello, but that just doesn’t cut it for Rocco; those items are like preludes to his “real” dessert (Pepperidge Farm [Overdose-on-Chocolate] Soft Bake Chocolate Chunk Dark Chocolate Brownie cookies; Blue Bell’s [Oh-So-Rich] Ice Cream with Smucker’s Hot Fudge Topping; whatever kind of “sweet” bread I might have baked, slathered in butter and jam). I can scarcely keep up with his need for a sugar-induced frenzy.

Tonight, in preparation for Thanksgiving, I have made two pumpkin pies, one caramel pie, 30 homemade yeast rolls, and one Bradi Cake. Rocco has licked every single bowl except for the rolls, of which he ate one dipped in honey butter.

I will probably never get to bed tonight, because Rocco will probably never stop singing those lyrics.




12:30 am · category: Rocco's Modern Life... With Me

Rocco: You know, The Netherlands are sinking.
Me: Really? I hadn’t heard.
Rocco: It’s true. One day they’re just going to fall off in the ocean.
Me: I don’t think so. I mean, isn’t that what the dikes are for?
Rocco: But what if their Ford Rangers won’t start?
Me: What?!?
Rocco: That would have been hilarious if you were gay.



Ta-Ra-Ra Boom-De-Ay

7:53 am · category: Aunt Doodie

Aunt Doodie (she of the mermaid hair) would like for you to know what she looks like right now, rather than what she predicts she’ll look like in 30 years.



Farce Is a Tragedy Played At a Thousand Revolutions Per Minute

6:14 am · category: Rocco's Modern Life... With Me

Rocco: It’s a farce.
Me: What?
Rocco: My life.
Me: Your life is a farce? Why would you say that?
Rocco: I was born in Paris, except the one in Arkansas. I’m a gay man who grew up in a town called Bald Knob. I went to a Christian university named “Graceland.” I have identical twin sisters named Pixie and Dixie. See? Farce!
Me: Yep. Farce. It’s like Tartuffe, but less funny and less French.
Rocco: God dammit, what are you talking about now?
Me: Oh! Also, less Jesus!

(Post title from a quote by John Mortimer.)



At a Loss

I really can’t gather the energy or brainpower to post anything, but I’ll hate myself tomorrow if I don’t post something and stick with NaBloPoMo.

I will sleep well tonight, between the exhaustion and the fact that Rocco and I installed our new programmable thermostat tonight. We haven’t had heat for ten days!




11:55 pm · category: Category Free

We interrupt This Month in Rocco (I was hoping that would sound like something exotic [i.e., "This Month in Morocco"], but it just came out… dirty.) to bring you a recipe that is sure to make you the most popular girl on the block.

First let me explain that Rocco has a bread machine that he had never used before moving here. I’ve become obsessed with it, making at least three loaves a week for the past couple of months. This particular recipe (for a 1.5 pound loaf machine) is amazing.

1 C water
2 T butter (I use butter-flavored Crisco)
3 C bread flour
1 T sugar
2 t dried chopped onion
3/4 t sea salt
1-1/4 t bread machine yeast

Put the above ingredients in the machine. Use the basic cycle with light crust. Add 3/4 cup of crumbled feta and 3/4 cup chopped fresh spinach leaves a few minutes before the last kneading cycle ends.

I heartily recommend hollowing out the loaf and filling it with a hot spinach-artichoke dip. You will win many friends this way.



Show Me a Sign

Yesterday Rocco and I picked up my new mattress. When we got home, we opened the door to my room and found a steaming pile of shit in the middle of the old mattress.

Sometimes I despise my cats.

Also, good luck to those of you who might stay in my guest room!



Costume Party 2007

Rocco and I hosted a costume party on Oct. 27. Here’s evidence!

My cousin Mayme.

My cousin Bailey and her friend Paul (as Britney and Kevin).

Nick, Bailey’s husband (as Bailey, who’s on a roller terby team.)

Aunt Doodie (as herself in 30 years).

… and Rocco (as Robin’s gay vampire cousin*).

*That’s what he said he was dressed as. We just called him Dracula.



Long Night, Big Day

Today I was in the garage at 9:15 a.m. literally getting into my car to leave for work. (On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I work from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.) It was at that point that my boss called to tell me our area manager was coming in tonight to observe our night audit procedures, so I needed to work from 5 p.m. to 2 a.m. And also, I needed to be back at 7 a.m. the following morning. Gahhhh! So I piddled around, hung out with Aunt Doodie, spent an hour in Wal-Mart, and cleaned my bedroom. I squeezed in a short nap, but I sort of forced it on myself because, hello! I’d been awake only six hours!

I got to work at 4:59, and at 5:03 I realized that I’d put my cellphone in one pocket and Rocco’s in the other. Double gahhhh! So I had to drive 30 miles back home to give him his phone. At that point I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to get off work at 2 a.m. and return at 7 a.m. while factoring in the drive and the shower. That would give me, like, three hours of sleep. So I decided to pull a double, which means I’ll work from 5 p.m. this evening until 10 a.m. Tuesday morning.

This is going to work out okay, though. Rocco gets off work at 11 a.m., and I’m going to meet him in Jacksonville and buy a mattress for my bed. Our schedules are such that the only time we’re together during the day is on Sundays, which is not a day generally known for mattress shopping. So with any luck, by noon tomorrow I’ll have a new mattress. (And my current thirty-year-old mattress will be on the guest bed, which currently has a blow-up bed that’s completely deflated thanks to some devilish kittens.)



It’s Different

12:23 am · category: Rocco's Modern Life... With Me

I have dinner at the kitchen table every night.
I have someone to snark with during TV shows.
I have dogs in my house.
There are no longer scented candles in my house.
There’s always someone to sing with.