What I Did On My Christmas Vacation

Truth be told, I mostly worked. I was on duty from 3-11 p.m. on Christmas Eve and worked 7 a.m.-3 p.m. Christmas Day, so I ended up spending the night at the hotel. Highlights from the rest of the holiday include:

Participating in a Cheer Off My 12-year-old cousin Mayme, who’s 5’6″ and 100 pounds, challenged me to a cheer off. It was kind of like Bring It On, except with way less athleticism. At the end of the second round, I concluded my presentation with a cartwheel that ended in a front split. It was awesome. Then Mayme did something that reminded me of krumping, and she was declared the winner. I pouted to my aunt, the judge, “How could she possibly have won? Her cartwheel was crooked, and her overall cheering was substandard.” Sandy replied, “She’s 12; you’re 32. Of course we’re going to let her win.” To which I replied, “That’s my point! I’m a 32-year-old woman who’s 4’11″ and weighs 160 pounds. And I did a perfect cartwheel and the splits. And she won by virtue of her age? I don’t think you’re looking at this the right way.”

An Evening With the Pontani Sisters At about 1:00 a.m. everyone had gone to bed except for me and Nathan, the husband of my cousin Kim. Just to be clear, Nathan’s a bit of an odd one. At one point he announced that he had developed a Q-Tip addiction, so he was going to sue the company like people who sue McDonald’s because they get fat from all of the fast food they eat. Nathan decided we should watch his CD/DVD of The World Famous Pontani Sisters’ dance instructions to Los Straitjackets’ Twist Party. When that was over, we watched the same thing again with the volume muted on the DVD while listening to the Lady Sovereign CD. About ten minutes into our second viewing I asked, “Is this supposed to be like watching The Wizard of Oz while listening to The Dark Side of the Moon?” He said it was, but it really didn’t work out quite like he’d hoped. Not long after Kim got up for a glass of water and I told her what Nathan was doing. “Oh, yeah,” she yawned. “He did that with a Barney DVD once.”

Roswell Revisited Nathan got a remote-controlled UFO for Christmas. Every time he would fly it near me, I’d yell, “Roswell! Roswell!” This is only funny to me because I think The X-Files‘ “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space” is the second-best episode ever.

In other news, the following things have happened to me in the past three days:

  • I got sick yesterday and puked my guts up right before I left for work. Then I puked at work. Fun, fun, fun!
  • I heard about a job opening for a GM at a hotel in my hometown, which I promptly applied for. My current GM got wind of it and offered me a raise and a new job. It’s almost like I pulled a power play!
  • Today I fell down the stairs in my apartment. I was going downstairs to get some clean towels, and I totally missed the top step. I slid down more than half the steps before I jerked myself to a stop on the handrail. I think I might have sprained something — possibly everything — in the process. Also, the carpet burn on my left ass cheek hurts just as much as you imagine it does. It looks so easy when people fall down stairs on TV. I need a stunt double just to get fresh bath linens.
  • And last but not least, last night I dreamed that Annika and I got into a huge argument wherein I insisted that gazpacho was not soup, as soup is never intentionally cold.

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