Archive for April, 2006



This Place Would Fall Apart Without Me

2:44 pm · category: Hotel Hell

I never made it to my hometown this weekend as planned. In truth, I mostly put the trip off because the price of gas is outrageous and I know I’ll have to go next weekend because my little sister’s C-section is scheduled for Thursday.

But beyond that, I’ve been at work a total of seven hours over the two days during which I was supposed to be completely out of town and unavailable. This is irritating because only one of those hours was a situation that only I am authorized to handle (or, when I am out of town [which everyone thought I was] the Guest Services Manager). The rest were things for which the clerk should have called tech or system support. Why are grown women so afraid to dial a 1-800 number and let a person in Maryland walk them through (in eensy, tiny baby steps) solving a computer error? Grrr. Arggh.

Mostly I’m just tired of trying to build my employees’ confidence with encouraging words after stupid behavior, like checking a guest into a room when the credit card declined, or spelling a guest’s name so incredibly wrong that it appears they are from India when they’re really just from Haynesville, or renting a room to a guest from Haynesville when our policy says no guests from town in a 30-mile radius and Haynesville is 22 miles away.

I am sure there are things I do that piss off my employees, but dammit, I ‘m the boss! It’s my job to tell you how to do their jobs. I’d like to think that my employees don’t have any complaints about me because I believe I am 90% perfect in my job performance and don’t screw up much. And when I do screw up, I accept responsibility and fix it. I don’t go about acting like a wounded puppy or asking someone else to fix it for me when there’s a process on file as to how to resolve the problem without consulting a higher-up.

[/end rant]



Remind Me

2:17 pm · category: Embracing My Inner Geek

Remind me to tell you about the time I went to a clown party. It involves:

  • Polka music
  • Stephen Sondheim
  • Leg wrestling
  • Seven grown adults in a Volkswagen Rabbit
  • Almost getting arrested in a movie rental store

I can’t believe I haven’t told you about that one yet.



Party at My Place!

6:19 pm · category: Hotel Hell

As part of the (semi) new job, I am required to store any alcoholic beverages in the refrigerator in my office for 48 hours. At that point if it remains unclaimed, I have to pour out any opened/unsealed bottles, but everything else is mine to keep. It’s like the Bud Light magic beer fridge. I might never have to go to the liquor store again!



Someone Call Starfleet!

6:02 pm · category: Embracing My Inner Geek

Today I came in to work to get payroll ready for Monday. Right now the pool is closed because the maintenance engineer had to shock it. However, he put a sign on the entrance that said, “Pool temporally closed.” Apparently, my pool is in a state of flux.




4:36 pm · category: House Calls

No, not the television show. Rather, it’s mine. My tiny, tiny four-room house. It’s the size of a breadbox. It’s not bigger than a breadbox. It’s not smaller than a breadbox. It’s the size of a breadbox.

The house is actually fine, though, because it’s just me (and soon, hopefully, my cat) and I don’t need a lot of room. I expect utilities will be dirt cheap, and I couldn’t ask for a better rent situation. ($200 a month!) However, the house is very old and has been empty for a couple of years, so the interior is covered in dust and bugs. Plus, it smells like an old house. I finally got most everything put away last night, and I expect to do some serious deep cleaning tonight. (The last renters must have been disgusting. The toilet was frightening.)

The only other major problem I’m having is that everything in the house is some shade of brown. Dark brown paneling, light brown trim, medium brown lineoleum. Oh! The carpet in the bedroom is actually a rust color, and I’m not sure if that’s in the brown family. Anyway, I’ve decided to paint the living room and kitchen a combination of khaki, green and orangey-red. Yes, I know it sounds disgusting, but it’s going to be stunning. I’m sure of it.



I Am So Boring

1:30 pm · category: Uncategorized

… that I can’t even come up with original material. Instead, I’m stealing things from other people. I took this from bettie‘s blog.

Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.

Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.

Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

(1) “Perhaps I had a wicked childhood”
(2) “In the beginning, I believed every word that you said”
(3) “I’m lying in a hospital/I’m pinned against the bed”
(4) “I pray you’ll be our eyes”
(5) “All down the street they’re standin’ in line”
(6) “I am still living with your ghost”
(7) “I know a girl who thinks of ghosts”
(8) “Are we done for now, or is this for good”
(9) “How many special people change”
(10) “Put no stone at my head, no flowers on my tomb”
(11) “What can you say about tomorrow”
(12) “There are stars in the Southern sky”
(13) “God d***, you half-Japanese girls”
(14) “In my mind I can see your face”
(15) “It is time for you to be in my way”
(16) “I touch the fire and it freezes me”
(17) “Now, when I was just a little boy”
(18) “Have mercy on me, baby”
(19) “I met you at JC Penney”
(20) “I took a walk around the world”



Done, Will Do

BOLD: Things I’ve done; ITALICS: Things I’d like to do.

01. Bought the whole pub a drink.

02. Swum with wild dolphins.
03. Climbed a mountain.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone.
08. Said “I love you” and meant it.
09. Hugged a tree.
10. Done a striptease.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise.
15. Seen the Northern Lights. (No, but I saw the Southern Lights (Aurora Australis). In Arkansas! It was strange and pink and beautiful.)
16. Gone to a huge sports game. (I went to a couple of college bowl games, but not by choice.)
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Town of Pisa.
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables.
19. Touched an iceberg.
20. Slept under the stars.
21. Changed a baby’s nappy.
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon.
23. Watched a meteor shower.
24. Gotten drunk on champagne.
25. Given more than you can afford to charity.
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope.
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment.
28. Had a food fight.
29. Bet on a winning horse.
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
31. Asked out a stranger.
32. Had a snowball fight.
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier.
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can.
35. Held a lamb.
36. Enacted a favourite fantasy.
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip.
38. Taken an ice cold bath.
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar.
40. Seen a total eclipse of either the sun or the moon.
41. Ridden a roller coaster.
42. Hit a home run.
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days.
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day.
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment.
48. Had two hard drives for your computer.
49. Visited all 50 states.
50. Loved your job for all accounts.
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced.
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
53. Had amazing friends.
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country.
55. Watched wild whales.
56. Stolen a sign.
57. Backpacked in Europe.
58. Taken a road-trip.
59. Rock climbing.
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice.
61. Midnight walk on the beach.
62. Sky diving.
63. Visited Ireland.
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love.
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them.
66. Visited Japan.
67. Benchpressed your own weight.
68. Milked a cow.
69. Alphabetized your books.
70. Pretended to be a superhero.
71. Sung karaoke.
72. Lounged around in bed all day.
73. Posed nude in front of strangers.
74. Scuba diving.
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.
76. Kissed in the rain.
77. Played in the mud.
78. Played in the rain.
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China.
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog.
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better.
84. Started a business.
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken.
86. Toured ancient sites.
87. Taken a martial arts class.
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played D&D for 6 hours straight.
90. Gotten married.
91. Been in a movie.
92. Crashed a party.
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have.
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy.
95. Gotten divorced.
96. Had sex at the office.
97. Gone without food for 5 days.
98. Made cookies from scratch.
99. Won first prize in a costume contest.
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
101. Gotten a tattoo.
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on.
103. Rafted the Snake River.

104. Been on television news programs as an “expert.” (I was interviewed by the local PBS affiliate as an awesome AGQBA woman. And I like to think of myself as a QB expert. Does that count? I’m going to pretend like it does.)
105. Gotten flowers for no reason.
106. Masturbated in a public place.
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything. (Don’t remember anything? Nope, although I have remembered just enough to wish I didn’t remember anything.)
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug.
109. Performed on stage.
110. Been to Las Vegas.
111. Recorded music.
112. Eaten shark.
113. Had a one-night stand.
114. Gone to Thailand.
115. Seen Siouxsie live.
116. Bought a house.
117. Been in a combat situation.
118. Buried one/both of your parents.
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off.
120. Been on a cruise ship.
121. Spoken more than one language fluently.
122. Gotten into a fight/argument while attempting to defend someone.
123. Bounced a cheque.
124. Performed in Rocky Horror.
125. Read -and understood- your credit report.
126. Raised children.
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy.
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour.
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars.
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country.
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did.
132. Called or written to your MP/Congressman/Senator.
133. Picked up and moved to another city just to start over.
134. …more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge.
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking.
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did.
138. Had plastic surgery. Hmmm. Where to start, where to start…
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication. (Trying!)
141. Lost over 100 pounds.
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback.
143. Piloted an airplane.
144. Pet a stingray.
145. Broken someone’s heart.
146. Helped an animal give birth.
147. Been fired or laid off from a job.
148. Won money on a T.V. game show.
149. Broken a bone.
150. Killed a human being.
151. Gone on an African photo safari.
152. Ridden a motorcycle.
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph.
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced.
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
157. Ridden a horse.
158. Had major surgery.
159. Had sex on a moving train.
160. Had a snake as a pet.
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing.
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours.
164. Visited more foreign countries than there are states.
165. Visited all 7 continents. I’m willing to give Antarctica a miss, though.
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days.
167. Eaten kangaroo meat.
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground.
169. Been a sperm or egg donor.
170. Eaten sushi.
171. Had your picture in the newspaper.
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime.
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about.
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions.
175. Gone back to school.
176. Parasailed.
177. Changed your name.
178. Pet a cockroach.
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes.
180. Read The Iliad.
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read.
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them.
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you.
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt.
187. Skipped all your school reunions.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.
189. Been elected to public office.
190. Written your own computer language.
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream.
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care.
193. Built your own PC from parts.
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you.
195. Had a booth at a street fair.
196: Dyed your hair.
197: Been a DJ.
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal.
199: Written your own role playing game.
200: Been arrested.
201: Had sex on the beach during a lightning storm.
202: Been widowed.

Thanks to Mary, to whom I swear I’m sending a copy of the thesis soon.



It’s Hot! That’s Watsons!

4:20 pm · category: Uncategorized

I know, I know. The title only makes sense to me and my aunt, but I bet she’s laughing her ass off right now. (And just for her, here’s a little link.) I guess I could have gone with some comment about Paris Hilton trademarking a certain phrase that was used by the general populace long before she was a blip on the celebrity map, but it’s too hot to even think that hard.

As it turns out, my new town is even hotter than the old one. Apparently, moving 200 miles south of where you were does, in fact, get you nearer the equator, which in turns means that the temperatures are much higher. It’s the middle of April, and today the temperature was 87 degrees Fahrenheit; tomorrow, the expected high is 96. It’s hotter than Satan’s balls.



Paging Mr. Right… or Kyli

2:40 pm · category: Uncategorized

Last night on three different occasions I thought to myself, “This would be so much easier if I had a husband.” The disturbing things were the occasions that caused me to think that:

  • I couldn’t pop a painful zit on my back.
  • I couldn’t fall asleep and wanted someone to tickle my back.
  • I couldn’t get a good grip on the hairs I was plucking out of my chin. (I swear, it’s like I’m cultivating a garden there.)

The really weird thing is that these are things I used to give my youngest sister a quarter to do for me. What do you think she would charge now?




9:11 am · category: Uncategorized

Lately, I’ve been thinking about food a lot. (All right, all right. This is not a new phenomenon. I think about food all the time. The difference here is that I am hyper-aware that I am thinking about food a lot.)

First off, I have discovered the best pies on the planet, which are produced at a local place called Backyard Barbecue. Initially, I was disappointed because the barbecue itself wasn’t what I expected. It was good, mind you. But it’s beef, and everyone on the planet who doesn’t live in Texas knows the best barbecue is pork. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is that these are the kinds of pies that make you go weak in the knees. A couple of nights ago, I recommended Backyard Barbecue to a guest at the hotel, telling her, “Be sure to save room for the pie. It’s so good it will make you go weak in the knees.” An hour later the guest returned and said I was right — the pie was excellent. And to reward me for my spot-on recommendation, she brought me a slice of coconut cream pie. Mmmmm. Then, a couple of hours later, I told another guest about the knee-weakness-inducing pies, and he brought me a slice of… something. Let’s see. It was a cheesecake with crushed-up Oreos mixed in. There was a layer of cherry pie filling on top, and on top of that was a layer of homemade chocolate icing. (The quick kind you make with cocoa and powdered sugar.) I was not simply weak in the knees. Rather, I was pretty much incapacitated and thought I was going to have to apply for a handicap sticker for my car. Double mmmmm. (And to top it all off, yet another guest was given an extra order of breadsticks from Pizza Hut, which he kindly passed on to me. I racked up that night.)

In other food news, I have created the best sub sandwich on the planet. Normally I prefer Quiznos, but at Subway you can get the Menley Special, which goes like this: Italian BMT (pepperoni, salami and ham) on parmesan oregano bread with garlic spread, mozzarella, shaky parmesan, marinara sauce, black olives, bell peppers, onions, pickles, mayo, and spicy mustard. Toast it and enjoy.

Suddenly, I’m very hungry.