Can I Get a Witness?

1:19 am · category: Uncategorized
A friend recently sent me this link.

Animals with anthropomorphic qualities give me a major wiggins. Now, don’t get me wrong. I thought The Adventures of Milo and Otis was absolutely touching and engaging, but that film didn’t involve the animals’ mouths moving when they “spoke.” On the other hand, I freak out everytime I visit the greeting card aisle in Wal-Mart and find those grotesque cards in which otherwise normal pets have fake, human smiles and eyes plastered on. It takes a considerable amount of self-control for me not to run screaming into the school supply aisle in a silly attempt to avoid them. Similarly, those creepy characters from the summer’s Quizno’s commercials resulted in my vowing to never eat there. (But then I had a sandwich from Quizno’s, and I rescinded that vow — because toasted subs are a million times better than the slightly damp stuff you get from Subway.)

On a related note, the talking oven mitt from the Arby’s commercials causes me mild discomfort, as does the Pillsbury Doughboy, aka Poppin’ Fresh. (I mean, do we really need him making that stupid sound everytime someone tweaks hisbellybutton? Something about that whole ad campaign is just not right.)

But I will readily admit that the singing squirrels were far less frightening than most anything I’ve seen on CNN or MSNBC in the last couple of days. I have this disgusting physiological propensity for developing cracked, pus-oozing skin beneath my eyeballs — as well as virtual blindness that requires dark sunglasses and hooded sweatsuits– when I’m inordinately stressed. If I show up in public looking like that infamous sketch of the Unabomber, blame it on the presidential election and its media coverage.

Leave a Reply